Friend is someone who always
sticks by us comes rain or shine. I tried my best in my life time to find my
true best friend. But it is not as easy as I thought it would be.
I used to have a lot of best
friends. Everything seemed very beautiful, very nice and amazing back then. We
did many things together. We created a lot of beautiful memories that I never
thought would be this painful to be remembered. We shared the same laughs, the
same tears and the same happiness just like a normal friendship. We never
thought that we were so different. We only knew that we were best friends and
we loved each other.
I admitted that I was a moody
person. I caused many trouble in our friendship. At first and second, they
still believed that someday I would change that bad behaviour. They gave me a
second change. But I was so thick-skinned. I was very arrogant and egoistic. I
did more trouble that they could not tolerate it anymore. I made my best
friend, Nita, cried a lot. I felt so guilty so I could not forgive myself after
that mess. Every second, every single time, the guilty feeling comes in my
mind. I cried alone every night at that time. I felt lonely. Nobody cares me.
It was the hardest punishment from Allah that I ever had. Only few friends gave
me another change. They came back to me, consoled me and supported me. They
forgave my big fault and open-handedly accepted me back into their lives.
As the time went by, my
relationship with Nita and my other best friends was getting better. She could
forgive me and I made a promise in my heart that I would never make her shed
more tears anymore. Everything seemed better. We started our friendship from
zero and filled it with more laughs than before.
But unfortunately, recently, we
could not solve our problems perfectly and remained scars in few hearts. I did
not know why and how it could be happen. We made a distance and avoided each
other. I was confused to place myself. I did not want to hurt anybody. I loved
them. It was so hard for me to keep seeing them in a cold war situation. I
tried to be fair. But it was just too hard that I could not stand anymore. I
went with Nita, in order to paid my last fault and fulfilled my promise.
Although I was in Nita’s side, it did not mean that I hate the rest of them. I
really wanted to tell them that they always in my heart as my best friends
forever. They said that I would never be their best friends anymore, so what I
could do was just accept all their decisions. It might be because I was not a
perfect and good friend for them. I did not know their reason for avoided me
until today. I could not found the answer. I always cried when I thought about
it, when I was insisted to know the fact that I was not perfect and would never
be perfect for them. No matter how much I cried they would never coming back to
me . . .
Today, after my long
self-reflection, I come to a decision that I will deserve everyone in my side
now, my family and my friends, because they are the people who see me as a
normal person, as an imperfect person. They are the people who love me the way
I am, not insist me to be a perfect person. Friendship is not how you accept
the good side of your friend, but also the bad side of your friend. Friend is
someone who slaps you in your face, not stabs you in your back. I really want
to fix my friendship as my friend, Rani (who passed away last year), wish to
me. But I am not sure that I can do it because they may hate me for
unreasonable thing. I will try my best to re-build our relationship. Even
though just as classmates. I just do not know where I should start it from.
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